I relinquish. My eyes are my enemy.

Prologue

" I was taking notes at a fantastic rock-n-roll concert going on in my head "

- Morrison

(telling his future band mate that he had been writing songs) 

Six to seven years ago, I asked the most important and revered person of my life an out of the blue question. I asked him, why Gods were always depicted with half open eyes.

He smiled an omniscient smile and said that it was a very good question, but didn't answer. That question remained etched in my mind and a few years later I asked him the same question again. He asked me to sit in front of him and to listen carefully. He said, that when Gods meditate, they keep their mind impervious to all distractions and for this reason they choose to keep their eyes half closed. I asked the next obvious question that, what stopped them from closing their eyes completely, to which he smiled again and jokingly asked, "what if  they fell asleep?", but soon with a serious tone said that the reason why they left their eyes half open was that the Gods need to keep a keen vigil upon the universe and they don't risk taking their eyes off it. It all instantaneously made sense to me and every moment of that conversation got etched in my mind.

Circa: yesterday-2012

The day began in a familiar manner, with me suppressing my incomplete sleep due to the midnight travel from Bangalore to Chennai, to get ready for office at 9 a.m. and subsequently returned a little tired, but happy nonetheless at 8p.m. My new room mate came in shortly after and told that his birthday had just passed by last week and that there was a major party in our flat, fueled by beer and joints, and that I missed out a lot as I was out of station. Curious about the 'joints' part, I wished him a belated birthday and inquired how he managed to get them and not to my surprise, he said that one of our flatmates had access.

The faintest trace of an age old wish resurfaced in my mind. The wish to try out Marijuana and see what all the fuss was about. I was absolutely sure of myself that I could just stave off my high in a blink, because I had an impermeable control of my head, and I wanted to test my will. So, off I went to cajole my flat mate, whom I had never spoken to, along with my roomie to let me in on his stash. The guy agreed and made me, what my roommate called, a 'small joint'. I was impressed by the guy's skill, the joint had the aesthetics of a piece of art. He passed the final 'piece' along with a lighter. My roomie asked me to light it and I didn't give the occasion too much hype, but I was very visibly a complete noob, at lighting it. The guy noticed my struggle, even though I faked the panache of taking the joint to my lips, and to my displeasure he sympathetically said "You've never lit a cigarette, have you?". I wanted to protest at his false allegation, but chose to keep mum and proceeded to light the joint with the lighter, but much to my pleasure the other person sitting there suggested that I light it in the balcony as it'd get very smoky inside.

After getting aid in lighting the joint, I keenly took a few puffs, and coughed loudly soon after. My roomie said that I was doing it wrong. I dropped all my pretensions and openly asked my roomie, about how I was supposed to 'take' the joint. He said that once I took the smoke in, I needed to take a short breath through my mouth, while making the "ssssss" sound. I tried it his was and SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BIG EXPLOSION IN MY HEAD. I voluntarily stopped thinking. Another drag. "Sssss". Peace. Silence. ANOTHER EXPLOSION IN MY HEAD. I, still cynical, told myself "huh! That's nice. Heh, nothing I can't shrug off.". The flat mate took the piece and took a drag himself. I felt kinda grossed out at the lack of hygiene," Wtf! I didn't know this had to be shared!". But I gave in with a 'whatever' shrug. After a couple of drags, shares and EXPLOSIONS, I realized that I was laughing. The flatmate noticed and looked at my roommate, with a 'haha! it has started' smile. My confidence still strong, I declared.."I'm normal........haha. *Pffbbth* ". With the joint done I walked back to my room with my eyes droopier than usual. I sat up an tried watching the Tv, but I noticed that there was a giant tunnel inside me, from my lungs to my brain with an opening at my mouth. I felt I was under a giant thumb, getting pummeled into the bed. I was looking at myself in first person view, but as if  a frosted glass was in front of my eyes.

There was a pressure of sorts on my chest, as I said, I had the feeling that I was being squished into my bed by a giant thumb, but trying to retain logic, I realized that I hadn't inhaled air and my breathing was slow, deep and intense. This made me laugh. I was now laughing for nothing. Nothing at all. It was involuntary, like a twitch. My roomie laughed and said to my other roommate that "He's OUT!!". I protested, while my roommates sat grinning.

Five minutes in, I was OUTT but still thought I had THE WILL. I lay my head down and thought that I was fighting the high, but soon realized that my fight was my hallucination and was the high in itself. Upon seeing this, I relinquished 'control' and I let the giant thumb squish my rib cage to pulp. SQUEEEEZE and everything is okay. The giant thumb has vanished. But the remnants of my logical mind said to me that I had just inhaled. I let go and closed my eyes. My head was light, I thought to myself "fuck control....I'm gonna enjoy this moment!" and plugged in my earphones to play some 'Kashmir - Led Zep'
.

SQUEEEEEEEZE DID THE UNSTOPPABLE FORCE FROM THE ALMIGHTY THUMB. My mind had a mind of its own and was twisting inside my skull. My closed eyes were like my personal theater screens, showing me the most random motifs and abstract images, which all seemed old yet familiar. The riffs of Jimmy Page were making my soul twist, the bass plucks of John Paul Jones was like pebbles being dropped in the ocean in my heart that contained my soul, every drum beat by John Bonham was making me writhe in pleasure. The constant chatter of the Tv and of my roommates was annoying and I asked them to "let me be!". I was self conscious because I thought they were poking fun at my 'condition' but realized that it too was a hallucination as one was almost asleep and the other was working on his laptop. I requested them to switch off the light as it was interfering. My feet and toes too had a mind of their own and were stretching, twisting and twinging randomly at the beat of music. 

Interestingly, I noticed that whenever I opened my eyes, my high diluted and the presence of other people annoyed me because I felt I wasn't left to my own tools.

I thought I wasn't supposed to get this high and might die, but was unable to give a flying fuck, and " HAHA BITCH!" was all that I could manage to say. 3 hours passed with Led Zep and The Doors.I think I drifted to sleep with my earphones still on and woke up suddenly to the pain in my ears. Tore away the head phones and was OUTT again for the rest of the night.

Epilogue

The reason I talked about the event in the prologue was to bring to surface a, now tested, fact that although what you see is what you get, but there's more to the bounty than that your eyes let you loot.

I always had told myself that I'd smoke up in the company of someone special, preferably of an opposite gender, not because of the probability of invoking carnal intentions, but just to make the moment memorable. But yesterday was me saying "BALLS TO YOU" to myself because I didn't know that I'd like my high better in a completely opposite way, alone, just how a friend had told me, not all that long ago.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE.

Sometimes you can't...

Breathe easy. \/

-Askios