How to: Be a roommate

Alrighty!
Chances are that most people reading this might already be aware of what they're in for, if they decide to read this...but but but.....I wouldn't bet on that.
So! For a brief intro.. A roommate is a person with whom one involuntarily 'lives-in' with for a period of time. I'm writing this because I myself am one.
You could be related, be old pals or, as in most cases, be total strangers. Think of it like a roach in your room, the type of person you are will define the relationship you have with it.

*flips table*

• If you're a nature lover, you'll pet it and pamper it.
• If you're a biology enthusiast, you'll like to know what makes it tick with the aid of a dissection kit.
• If you're Bear Grylls...well...then dinner's ready!

Now that we have our ABCs defined lets get to the point, with one thing clear and understood:

If someone is your room-mate, you are that someone's room-mate too.

 (The reader should imagine a woman humming a divine "AAaaah" and holy light shining upon the above words.)

With that out of the way, lets begin the series of steps/rules that you need to follow to be a good (read 'bearable') roommate.

1. Maintain HYGIENE ASSHOLE !

 This is the MOST IMPORTANT rule in being a roomie (its in caps, bold, italicized  AND underlined).
Keep your bed and the room clean. Clean yourself enough to NOT STINK.

2. Know where your orifices are.

You don't need archery lessons to know how to direct your shit, or to aim your noodle. Know the difference between your ass and your mouth. We've covered 2 states of matter...now the 3rd state. Know that methane is combustible and you better keep a fire extinguisher ready if your roomie feels tortured. (Such kind should suffer the wrath of hell itself!)

3. Use the magical device called the "Flush!"

If it doesn't work, use a bucket/shot glass/tea spoon! Erase the evidence of you using the WC! I don't care how you do it! JUST FUCKING DO IT!

4. Stash your stuff in your assigned drawers/lockers.

Seriously, nobody wants to know what color underpants you got, or if you've just changed!
Keeping your inner-wear on the bed is NOT acceptable!

5. Blazing red underwear is only meant for Superman.

OR if you've volunteered to be a traffic light, then go ahead, but never ever keep it on display inside your room.

 6. Lack of phone manners shall not be tolerated.

At least pretend to talk like you have etiquette. Don't talk like some drunk inbred redneck! You'll be looked down upon and treated like a pile of garbage forever (and you should!). The best way out of this is to GTFO of the room while on a call. No one wants to know what you are talking about.

 7. What you watch over T.V. shall decide, at Pearly Gates, if your next bath would be in boiling oil or bubbles.

 For men, If you watch soaps then your roommate gains the right to have his foot (wearing an athlete's studs) up your ass. For ladies, do what you want, you'll anyways end up in a cat fight. For gay men, watch whatever you want but not at the cost of your roommate's peace of mind.

8. Ask for it. You klepto fuck!

Its normal for roommates to share, shareable things, like ties, money, gadgets etc. If you need something then just ask for it, don't steal! Depending on circumstances you might

• Get booted from the room.
• Land in jail..                      
• Both.                                

Asking for it is much easier. If the person you ask, doesn't want you to have it then...well...find someone else. This way, you keep your self respect AND the room.

Whew! There! Those 8 points should be enough to for you to 'not be intolerable', at least.

It's a very complicated relation, being a roommate. But being a decent one is simple. All it takes is a little compromise and understanding on either sides, some patience, knowing where to draw lines, and for everyone to...

Breathe Easy. \/